Level my head, am I tilted?

Level my head,
Level my head,please it hurts.
I can't contain these demons they are breaking this gate.
It's like the back of your head is gonna rip open you struggle to keep it level.
Your cerebrum is giving up it's throwing all rationals up,
Those angels left me years ago they thought I don't deserve their divinity.
They spat in my eyes and said I don't deserve to see his grace.

I don't mind stealing grace,
I don't mind instill disgrace,
If it put my mind at ease,
If it put my chest some peace,
If it put my head level.

It's on the table the knives are calling my name,
Look at you now you are begging for freedom from killing,
You're falling apart my dear,
You're built to presevere yet you look for self deterioration,

This is all just an imagination,
Remember I am some fragile creation,
Go through everyday with some patience,
Even though your soul is so far away stationed,
You're skipping them motion by motion,
Managing pieces of numbness for everyday like rations,
Where's the calmness? I need it in form of potions,
Make it compulsory like lessons for clean soul sanitation,

Fuck that.

All I have is this one last chance,
And this I carry everyday like its last,
With you the catalyst I can't find my way to you,
This crooked eyesight this tilted head ruined me,
Help me I'm hungry for some redemption,
Level my head Mr. Righteous,
My left side are all logically tilted,
Level my head please.

4th of December, it is still a cursed day.

I realised that in my head, there is no order, but chaos.
I cannot think straight.
I cannot make proper decisions.
Demons in, angels out.
I am less than the father and son, I am the dark spirit.
I cannot breathe, yet I am breathing.
I am as calm as the lake, but deep inside I am the raging storm in the middle of the sea.
I feel as though I am holding on the edge of the hill ,
And yet still I feel it feels better to let go of my grip and just fall freely.
Good day does not matter anymore,
They all hide behind the lightning.
I am sorry I can't be the man you want me to be.
I see myself fading in the reflection of myself,
One second I am here, one more I am gone I lost myself in the eyes of mine I thought belongs to some stranger,
My sanity deteriorate day by day,
Like rusts falling off of this metal statue,
I feel so empty, so full of obscurity,
Waking up in the morning,work like a zombie,
Going back to sleep with despair as company,
My heart breaks further apart these pieces keep losing and fading.
I am so in love with this imaginary pain of losing you,
It is killing me but that pain makes me feel alive,
The sadness are yet to feel but I felt it throughout my veins,
Mr. Arteries says it is true, it is all predicted and true,
"You are going to live for a long time, and you are going to spend every minute of it feeling miserable"
This hurts, yet I don't bleed.

The Kid I Used To Be

Its quite a mess up in here,
Uncertainty and certainty I can't separate,
A 1 percent of me standing upright,
A 99 percent with me headless,
The greatness the redness of your eyes,
I saw it in me, I saw it in front of my eyes,
Your eyes are mine and it hurts to see,
Uttered your words and it hurts my heart,
I hear my own replies and your tore me apart again,
And everytime I thought I am up above the skies still am I drowning,
Your ignorance is the skin I am wearing.

The kid I used to be,
Wearing this heart beaten billions of beat,
Every beat feels like its gonna explode,
Every second I wish it stopled pumping those pain away.

The kid I used to be,
I'd love to tell you how much help is she making me just content with me,
I'm dying to tell you how much of a pain in the ass my day job is,
I'm torn apart not being able to be truthful about my pain and fears and hope,
But they fly through you anyway,
Because you are not you,
Mental illness is a bitch.

Black Corner of My Eyes

I see you in my eyes,
in the corner of both my eyes.
Turned myself left and right,
there you are watching me staring at you.
Like a goddamn mirror.
Even at dawn the night cant seem to suffocate you with its blackness you still rose,
Even at night the sun cant erase your presence, like erasers killing itself trying to remove the carvings on the wall, you still appears,
but where are you, the core of you?
where were you when I needed you?
where is the piece I need of you to hold on to myself?

5.30 am in the morning it stings,
11.45 pm in the night it bleeds,
pus flows through the crack of these scabs,
it stinks like you,
but it feels so real like you,
at times it feels so right with you by my side,
through and through and especially the worst times,
because you rob all the good times away anyway.

I just wish you were a mask I needed to take off,
but you are the beat that my heart pumps off,
through veins and artery I am yours to conquer,
it always feels like you are my emperor,
the clocks ticks away my joy and you filled it with horror,
since 9 years ago you make me a man of complete error.

4 years later...

I AM BACK, MOTHERFUCKERS.


First of all, I thought reading my old posts is gonna make me CRINGE SO MUCH.

But man,


WHAT THE FUCK.


You blew me away, dear old me.

You're pretty dumb and such an emoboi. Yet pretty cool.


Heh.


It's Tuesday today.


So,


Some "gombal" for you,

Adakah hari ini hari Selasa? Kerna denganmu ku rasakan  pengembaraan mencari separuh jiwaku sudah selasai.

Hello?

Have you ever said goodbye to someone,but dont know when you have the chance to say hello again to them?

That pain,is some kind of disappointment too. It became something in your life that you know you can't hold it tight,very uncertain kind of thing,so much probability that you are going to end up being hurt.

Nahh,this isn't just about lovers.
This is about person,some people in your life that you thought going to be certain,in there most part of your life though maybe not all of it.

But yeah,bad people brings lessons.
Good people brings memories.
But why can't they become some certainties?
Hell,i dont even know what am i writing about.

Deep,brah,deep.

It is both a blessing and a curse,to feel everything so very deep.

These words i saw on social (sosial= so sial) media web few weeks ago.

So,have you ever experienced this?

What does it mean a blessing, and what does it mean a curse? And what does it mean everything? And how deep is deep means?

I always saw a life beyond lives. I saw a pain of suffer of an old man working his old ass up under the burning sun. How his skin cracks up over the years of searching for few coins to feed his childrens,and yet his kids become assholes and left him all alone when they grew up,leaving him living a life left out in the dark,endless valley to nowhere so near death.i saw it all, by watching an old man selling drinks outside somewhere.

I have those high feelings when some songs play.i saw the stories in all those lyrics,those rhythms,melodies.it is like you are in the 3 minutes of some sort of heaven feels,though it is just a song about how you dont wanna get out of the bed,and you dont feel like doing anything at all.

I saw winding road ahead of a child of 3 months old.he is gonna have a hard time learning to crawl,learning to walk,talk,socialise,gets in trouble for flirting with another's wives,becoming a macai and gets trolled everywhere he goes,and then finding a place to die.

How deep is deep? Like a heart broken type of deep after a breakup that you thought your world is gonna end so badly because you miss your  ex so badly that you even dreams of her when you close your eyes at night,that when you woke up in the morning your heart sank like a anchor in the deep ocean when you realise that she is gone,out of your life?that deep?
Or deep like when you saw some cat walking past you and did not giving any damn at all that you are heartbroken,and you realise that life goes on,though the cat is hurted by some assholes throwing stones at it,and still walking like a boss and not giving a single damn?the only thing in that cat's mind is food and a place to sleep of course,but how far it roams the earth none of us knows,saw some shit,feel a lot of shit,shit a lot,and still not giving damn bout anything at all,that it made you realise that feeling like shit for some girl that is not worth your time is so shitty that you wanna rip the shit out your own heart because you feel so shitty.that kind of deep?

Oh man,its so deep i cannot even see.